always questioning...

It’s a daily fight to make myself take steps towards the thing I presume everyone sees me doing. I put on my business casual clothes, don my lanyard with my smiling face on the ID card, lift my chin, and go out determined to feel more brave and competent today than I did yesterday. I am passionate and hard working. I don’t like being told (by others or by myself) that I can’t do something. I tackle challenges and obstacles like I am constantly trying to prove something. I want to serve others and be an agent of change in this world that so desperately needs the kind of person that I aim to be. But it is taxing and tiresome, and I am always questioning my motives.

 The reality of things is that serving others as I have chosen to on my career path is not as natural to me as I pretend it is. What is natural to me is solitude, art, nature, sewing, writing, and slowing down. The speed at which my life has been going feeds my neurosis. Do this, then this, now that, and then onto the other thing, and don’t forget to do this too, and now the day is over so you’ll have to hurry up and sleep because there are other things you have to hurry up and wake up for. I must either follow suite or fail, so I keep going and ignore the inner voice that says, “slow down.”

 I don’t know how to balance these two sides of me… the side that aims to selflessly serve others and the side that yearns for me to stop and be nurtured by my own self-love that seems to be so lacking. Sometimes I overthink it all and feel compelled to make a brash decision, like “Just stop pursuing this path that is consuming all of your energy and simply become that reclusive children’s book author you always dreamed you’d be!” My response is always to discount that vision as naïve and unrealistic. I tell myself that it would be too difficult to make that work. But I ignore the difficulties of the path that I am currently on. I do not feel like I am truly honoring myself. Maybe it is because I’m still in student mode, without the extensive training, experience, and autonomy to do my work as I envision myself doing. But what if the reality of this field is that it may never be what I envisioned? What if the reality is that my chosen role will never help youth the way I feel driven to? What if the only way is for me to run from the politics, paperwork, and jaded realities of this industry? How do I know whether or not to leap, and when, and what to leap towards?

I think too much. Time to purge the things my mind has been hanging on to.

It’s easy to start losing yourself a bit when major changes are occurring in your life. I asked myself today, “Why have I been so disconnected with my core self lately?” The answer was a list of changes/distractions that have consumed me in the past 2-3 years:

• Coming out to the remaining people in my life who still had some hope that I could possibly be straight
• Discovering my favorite car was totaled in the middle of the night while parked on the street (that sucked, big time)
• The death of my grandmother, Sally Reasor, who I was extremely close to (I still tear up when I think of her)
• The unexpected death of my cat, Rosalind.(maybe doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was to me)
• Immersion in a relationship unlike any other, with a person who will have my heart forever (a relationship that, in order to be possible, required a lot of letting go and a lot of internal resolution, trust, and surrender).
• Graduation from college (after a long and rough struggle of dropping out and going back, multiple times, while putting myself through financially)
• Making the decision to co-habitate after years of feeling most comfortable living alone.
• My first official salary paying administrative job and all of the office dynamics and politics that came along with it (going from being a caregiver to sitting in offices and meetings in rooms without windows)
• Meeting, sharing with, bonding with, and then losing one of the most beautiful women I have ever known… Christine Russell, mother of the love of my life.
• Applying to, interviewing for, and getting accepted into my #1 choice of Graduate school programs
• Getting my first dog (not counting the dog the I became “step-mom” to)
• A plethora of new classes, skills, & experiences (gardening, motorcycles, dog training, yoga, baking, photography, etc.)
• Feelings of being too passive, timid, envious, insecure, indecisive, or self-absorbed… and realizing that all of these things will come back to bite me in the ass if I’m not more aware of their severity.
• The death of my mother’s mom (my Granny)… The sadness of never feeling close to her or her family and the fear of having to face them all at a funeral when I know many of them resent or misunderstand my choice to keep my distance.

A friend said the word “PURGE” yesterday and I realized my need to purge thoughts and emotions that I have been hanging on to. I wrote this all out in an attempt to get it out of my head and create room for the growth and newness of spring. I consistently tend to the soil in my garden space outside as I prepare to plant my vegetable garden, but I forgot that I also need to till the metaphorical soil within… chop the weeds and debris up and let them become nutrients for the soil so that beautiful things can grow there.

It’s time to step up my game.

I can't imagine a more appropriate horoscope right now:

"You're not exceptionally scared of the dark, Pisces, but sometimes you seem to be intimidated by the light. You can summon the spunky courage to go crawling on your hands and knees through dank tunnels and spooky caves in quest of treasure that's covered in primordial goo, but you may play hard to get when you're offered the chance to unburden yourself of your cares in wide-open spaces. What's up with that? Don't get me wrong: I'm proud of your capacity to wrestle with the shadows in the land of the lost; I'm gratified by your willingness to work your karma to the bone. But I would also love you to get a share of rejuvenating rest and ease now and then. Do you think you could manage to have it both ways? I do."

go do.

Jónsi - Go Do from Jónsi on Vimeo.

Go sing too loud
Make your voice break - Sing it out
Go scream do shout
Make an earthquake...

You wish fire would die and turn colder
You wish your love could see you grow older
We should always know that we can do anything

Go drum do go out
Make your hands ache - Play it out
Go march through crowds
Make your day break...

You wish silence released noise in tremors
You wish I know it surrender to summers
We should always know that we can do everything

Go do you´ll know how to
Just let yourself fall into landslide

Go do you´ll know how to
Just let yourself give into low tide

Go do!

Tie strings to clouds
Make your own lake - Let it flow
Throw seeds to sprout
Make your own break - Let them grow

Let them grow (Endless summers)
Let them grow (Endless summers)

(Go do endless summers)

You will survive we´ll never stop wonders
You and sunrise will never fall under

You will survive we´ll never stop wonders
You and sunrise will never fall under
We should always know that we can do anything

Go do!

while waiting for winter to end...

I have had the honor of spending some very quality time with my most amazing girlfriend. I know I would survive winter if I didn't have her, but it would be significantly more difficult, unpleasant, and lonely. She helps me smile through the greyness, and I can only hope that I come slightly close to doing the same for her.

Last week, I ventured with her down to Athens, OH... a place far too familiar for her and barely familiar at all to me. I, of course, was quite anxious about the whole ordeal; meeting her friends, ex, etc... socialization in general. My fears, however, dissolved away the moment I realized how happy she was with her friends, how happy she was with me, and how happy she was to be sharing both things at the same time. It was a magical couple of days. Truly magical. The Avett Brothers concert was definitely the highlight (see video below, taken at the show we were at). Indescribable, really.

Thank you to Jae and to Athens for the following spectacular moments: The Avett Brothers, Passion Works Studio, Casa Nueva, Purple Chopstix, Jason Presutti, Crazy Sean, Chandra, Baby Maxwell, the Holiday Inn hot tub, Jackie-O's rye stout, vintage shops with fedoras and argyle sweater tights, watching the olympics while cuddling in a king size bed, falling in love over and over and over and over, and seeing the lake even though it was frozen and we had to run back to the car before we froze with it.

And, despite the suffocating winter depression I am experiencing and my desperate wish for warmth and sun, I still think, "I am so damn lucky to have such beautiful things in my life!" So when I get asked what I want for my birthday, all I can respond with is, "aside from warmth and sunshine, I have everything I could ever want."

these are some beauties worth smiling for