It’s easy to start losing yourself a bit when major changes are occurring in your life. I asked myself today, “Why have I been so disconnected with my core self lately?” The answer was a list of changes/distractions that have consumed me in the past 2-3 years:
A friend said the word “PURGE” yesterday and I realized my need to purge thoughts and emotions that I have been hanging on to. I wrote this all out in an attempt to get it out of my head and create room for the growth and newness of spring. I consistently tend to the soil in my garden space outside as I prepare to plant my vegetable garden, but I forgot that I also need to till the metaphorical soil within… chop the weeds and debris up and let them become nutrients for the soil so that beautiful things can grow there.
It’s time to step up my game.
- Coming out to the remaining people in my life who still had some hope that I could possibly be straight
- Discovering my favorite car was totaled in the middle of the night while parked on the street (that sucked, big time)
- The death of my grandmother, Sally Reasor, who I was extremely close to (I still tear up when I think of her)
- The unexpected death of my cat, Rosalind.(maybe doesn't sound like a big deal, but it was to me)
- Immersion in a relationship unlike any other, with a person who will have my heart forever (a relationship that, in order to be possible, required a lot of letting go and a lot of internal resolution, trust, and surrender).
- Graduation from college (after a long and rough struggle of dropping out and going back, multiple times, while putting myself through financially)
- Making the decision to co-habitate after years of feeling most comfortable living alone.
- My first official salary paying administrative job and all of the office dynamics and politics that came along with it (going from being a caregiver to sitting in offices and meetings in rooms without windows)
- Meeting, sharing with, bonding with, and then losing one of the most beautiful women I have ever known… Christine Russell, mother of the love of my life.
- Applying to, interviewing for, and getting accepted into my #1 choice of Graduate school programs
- Getting my first dog (not counting the dog the I became “step-mom” to)
- A plethora of new classes, skills, & experiences (gardening, motorcycles, dog training, yoga, baking, photography, etc.)
- Feelings of being too passive, timid, envious, insecure, indecisive, or self-absorbed… and realizing that all of these things will come back to bite me in the ass if I’m not more aware of their severity.
- The death of my mother’s mom (my Granny)… The sadness of never feeling close to her or her family and the fear of having to face them all at a funeral when I know many of them resent or misunderstand my choice to keep my distance.
A friend said the word “PURGE” yesterday and I realized my need to purge thoughts and emotions that I have been hanging on to. I wrote this all out in an attempt to get it out of my head and create room for the growth and newness of spring. I consistently tend to the soil in my garden space outside as I prepare to plant my vegetable garden, but I forgot that I also need to till the metaphorical soil within… chop the weeds and debris up and let them become nutrients for the soil so that beautiful things can grow there.
It’s time to step up my game.
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