how about a personal entry?

i have been refraining from writing lately, as my mind has often found itself stumbling onto the same focal point for the past couple of weeks and it is one that i am unsure i am ready to share. i suppose i could share in vague terms, but wouldn't that just be some kind of abstract tease?

i will say this much: i feel a possibility for something wonderful in my near future, but i am continuously consumed by my efforts to remain realistic about it and not do too much to get lost in false hopes or expectations. what i really want to talk about in regards to this matter is the fact that we so often can't just allow ourselves to be completely in the moment and contently swim in that without hesitation, without reservation, without fear. i don't know why that is the case. we're so afraid of making a mistake, or of (the inevitable) suffering. if we simply allow ourselves to consistently remember that there is suffering always, could we be less fearful? could we then just prepare ourselves for not reacting when that suffering comes? i don't know if this makes sense to you or not; i know i am being a little confusing.

is it that our egos/minds yearn to maintain control of everything so much? is that why, instead of reveling in beautiful moments to their fullest, we think and think and think about them until we drive the pleasure of them out of our lives? i don't know how to stop this process... but i know i want to.

(because she is beautiful to me)