in the beginning

visit to zendo after long hiatus. after tibet, india, nepal. after considering ordination.
i realize that the path i am walking is not 100% in line with what i had been envisioning. there were desires and delusions even in my pursuit of devotion to the buddhist path. to wear robes would only feed my delusionment. it would only feed my potential for self-righteous attitude. i realized much while at the zendo tonight, but none of it fulfilled any desire i subconsciously had. what i can receive there are pieces of things that i need... but not pieces of things that i want or that i think i need. i don't know them until i awaken to them. if they are predicted, i amthinking that is a small sign that they are delusional. this thought is unfinished and possibly not accurate... which is to say that i think there could be a more effective and clear way to put it into words.
words... are something i must choose more wisely. speaking only after meditating on the message, rather than impulsively blurting and then defending my semantics afterwards.
in another area: i realized tonight just how much i cling.. and to just how many things. step one was the realization. now i must pay attention to what and how i am clinging, so as to train the mind to transform from this hindrance.
every moment a new moment. to feel ashamed is to still be attached to the self. recognize, realize, resolve. let ego do nothing but observe as the acts are transformed, made new.