how can i be so confident about this? well, despite my usual distaste for making comparisons, i have to use my past relationships as a point of reference in order to better understand my current relationship. usually, we do this by comparing what our partners were like, but in this case i am comparing what i myself was like. a good friend once said to me that he believed each of our lovers somehow prepares us for the ability to have an even better relationship with the next lover. i believe that is true, because through the practice of relationships we develop a greater ability to communicate, interact, etc. we also learn a significant amount of important things about ourselves when standing before the reflection of a lover. by discovering valuable things about exchanges with others and about our inner-doings (our thoughts, reactions, capacities for love and fear, etc.) we become more stable yet flexible partners for the people we ultimately choose to commit to.
i went through several different phases of relationships (meaning, the partners i was choosing seemed to follow a common theme in each phase, and the style of partner that i myself was followed a certain theme). the most significant phases were opposite extremes of each other: 1) the overly giving and affectionate jac clinging to an apathetic, unfaithful, selfish partner; and 2) the apathetic (but not unfaithful) and armored jac running away from an overly giving and affectionate partner. i couldn't seem to find balance. i wasn't being the best partner and i wasn't seeking the best partners for myself.
eventually, i think i reached a point where i allowed myself to really assess what it is that i want and need in a relationship, what i am unwilling to compromise with, and what i am able to offer myself. i have a history of settling and thinking "this must be as good as it gets, or i must not deserve anything better than this." i had to have friends tell me "it is NOT selfish to not settle for any less than you want, need, and deserve. if you are sacrificing important things on that check-list then that person is not the right person for you." i threw my hands up in the air and said, "ok. no settling. no more games. this is what i want..."
and then, suddenly, there she was.
ok, i know it sounds like i am just speaking from cloud-nine and blah blah blah. you might think these words are coming from some delusional mindset that people exist in when they are in that "honeymoon" stage at the beginning of a relationship. i understand. i would think the same thing. but coming from a cynical armor-wearing relationship-phobic hermit, you have to believe me when i say that i have never felt something this comfortable, healthy, rewarding, gratifying, beautiful, and exciting. i really never believed i would find someone who matched up with over 90% of my criteria.
and since the nature of impermanence loves to remind me of its constant existence, i am hesitant to just let go and surf this wave for as long as possible... but some things are undoubtedly worth diving in for. if some day in the future you read a post here talking about how everything fell apart, i will be very surprised. and hopefully, if that ever were to happen, i would have the sense to remember just how worth it this all was.
never have i ever wanted to commit so deeply to being the best person i can for someone else. i would give her the universe and more if i could.
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