(does anybody even read this? i don't even know if anyone has the link! does it matter? do i write here for other people to read?? odd... those questions never crossed my mind until just now.)
this page has become some sort of half-assed-western-buddhist's alternative to a catholic confessional... or to a psychologist? doesn't matter. i come here to be melodramatic and write down deep and impactful moments in which all i can do is wallow in the nether regions of my being where mind and emotion (as if they are separate??) meet for tea over serious discussion of "what now?" -it's like their routine business meeting during which they discuss matters of previous goings-on and design a plan for the future. sometimes there are refreshments. lately, its been ben & jerry's, twizzlers, muenster cheese, the very delicious dark chocolate stout i had last night, and a half gallon of soy milk that i sometimes stir chocolate syrup into.
business at hand during the present meeting includes, but is not limited to, the following:
-karma; i did something to someone and an extremely similar act has now come back onto me. it hurts, beautifully -meaning, it hurts because i attached myself to something beautiful (a thought, a person, an act, an idea, a hope, a ___?).
-armor; how much was put on -and why- and how much was shed -and why- and whether or not some should be put back on or some should be shed back off.
-defense mechanisms; how a reaction to one slightly unfortunate outcome can result in an uneccessary and negative change in perspective that devalues or ignores all positive aspects that still exist.
-companionship; what can be gained from it that i feel my life is lacking? why do i feel such an urge for it? how can i keep a healthy approach to being open to the possibility of it, without succumbing to the desire of it?
b.blitz says this all showed me that it is possible to have the potential of love. in beings such as him and i who have layered ourselves in so much armor that we were completely opposed to the possibility of it, experiences of fulfilling and beautiful human connections (even if fleetingly temporary) can give us hope that such a thing is still conceivable. funny that b.blitz and i should switch roles of optimist and pessimist. i would have thought that too if the experience were anyone else's but my own. somehow, when all i can take is a subjective view of this situation, all i can feel is inferiority and rejection -despite how ridiculous my rational mind believes such feelings to be.
and then this other voice comes in. it has a tough love kind of tone. it sighs as if this is all an inconvenience that has taken it away from some sunday afternoon hobby it would rather be doing right now. it says "for christ's sake, jacqueline, you are not being yourself! what the hell is up with you?" and i start to talk with some preface that indefinately starts with "but..." and that other voice kicks back in and says "and none of this i-heart-huckabees-'how-am-i-not-being-myself'-bullshit... you are taking yourself and all this other stuff too damn seriously and you are allowing ego to take control and say 'poor me' and it is completely unfitting for someone as (potentially) awesome and dignified as yourself. the end!" and then i sit tongue-tied and unable to rebuttle, thinking 'yeah, you are right. damn. i AM taking it all way too seriously' and i imagine i have some playdough or a sandbox to play in so i can remind myself that life is meant to be joyous and carefree.
tomorrow i will laugh at yesterday and say "see? it isn't all bad, silly."
and i'll continue to fall in love with every beautiful thing i encounter.
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