overstimulated neighbors / understimulated jacqueline

the neighbors in the building next to me have too much sex. i am beginning to think they are making movies in there because the woman's orgasms sound far too calculated and consistent. they leave their windows open, and the sound amplifies in the alley-way that separates our buildings and then swims in through my windows. i am happy for them, but i also don't really care to hear it anymore.

the breeze coming in from the lake is gentle and calming. the plants in the window like it. don't ask me how i can tell; i just can.

i think my adjustment period is over, now that i have been back in cleveland for a week, and it is now time for me to start creating again. i was just floating along last week, half of my self still in the berkshires of massachusetts -imagining i was sitting at the top of monument mountain having a vegan picnic while the sun was rising, or going for a barefoot walk on the path around the pond, or staring at the stars at night. now i realize it is up to me to create that type of existence in this new/old context. i have chosen to be here, so i have no right to complain.

i didn't go to my first day of spanish 2 class, because i forgot everything i learned in spanish 1 and i was scared i'd walk in and the professor would just start talking in spanish and i would look like a terrified deer in headlights. it was a dumb fear to let control me, but i suppose i'm glad i did it so that i could learn how dumb it was and not give in next time. i so easily let my fears dictate my actions. -EDIT- i USED TO so easily let my fears dictate my actions. new resolve has been born.

i'm lonely and i'm admitting here for the first time. there's not really anything any of you can do about it because it is something i have chosen for myself. i have friends and family, but they don't exactly fill all the little cracks. there is a deeper me that i tend to only share with close, intimate companions. those deeper pieces need some fresh new experiences. they feel inactive. they feel understimulated. they want to lay in a pile of leaves and hold someone's hand. they want me to remove some of the heavy armor that i have hidden them beneath.